Finding my worth in others’ approval—also known as fearing man—has been a temptation for me as long as I can remember.
I’ve often measured my value by my last interaction. If I thought I presented myself well, I’d feel temporary relief. If I didn’t come across the way I wanted, I’d feel deeply inadequate. The worst part? No matter the outcome, the next interaction was always right around the corner, and I’d have to prove myself all over again. It was a miserable cycle.
I’ve tried countless strategies to shed my insecurities. I’ve tried hiding my flaws, pretending to be someone I wasn’t, vowing to perform better. I’ve even tried completely disregarding what other people thought of me, which wasn’t loving or Christlike (Matt. 5:16; 2 Cor. 8:21; 1 Tim. 3:7). Every strategy left me feeling even less secure. Not only was my perception of others’ approval constantly changing, but behind all my hiding and performing was the belief that who I really am is unlovable.
Thankfully, as I’ve grown in my faith, the Lord has given me tangible freedom—more than I could’ve imagined when I was younger. While fearing man will always be a temptation, I’ve found tools to combat it when it arises. Here are four habits that have helped me.
1. Pursue compassion, not confidence.
Recall a moment when you were worried about someone’s impression of you. Perhaps you were on a date, being interviewed, or preaching or speaking before a group. What was your self-talk like?
In my teens and early 20s, I tried to combat my insecurities by telling myself, Blake, just be—or at least appear—confident.
It rarely worked. Even if I managed to appear confident, I couldn’t experience the joy of the moment—or being myself—because I was so preoccupied with how I was coming across.
One of the biggest game-changers has been shifting my focus from cultivating confidence to cultivating compassion. Nervousness comes when I see others as the means of validating (or invalidating) my worth, rather than seeing them as fellow sinners and sufferers who need hope and encouragement.
It’s amazing how much anxiety dissipates when I forget myself long enough to remember the other person’s pain and need for Jesus. Often, the best antidote to nervousness isn’t confidence but compassion.
2. Beat fear to the punch.
Have you ever been blindsided by anxiety while talking to someone, leaving you scrambling to keep the interaction going while also trying to kill the anxiety internally?
Often, we make anxiety worse by overanalyzing it and trying to fix it on the fly. We ask ourselves, What’s wrong? Why do I feel like this? How do I stop it? Meanwhile, the conversation keeps going—but we’re living in two worlds, no longer fully present.
One of the best ways to avoid this mid-conversation panic is to take a moment before meetings to breathe, pray, and predetermine how you’ll respond when anxiety comes. For example, when fear arises, I won’t dwell on it, but will remember that:
- God is with me and for me (Ps. 56:9; 118:6).
- My nerves don’t threaten God’s sovereignty (Matt. 10:29–31).
- Winning is not impressing the other person, but loving them (Matt. 22:37–39).
David modeled this practice: “When I am afraid, I will trust in you” (Ps. 56:3). David didn’t merely hope fear wouldn’t come; he predetermined what he’d do when it did come.
I’ve found great help from praying for God’s blessing and protection before walking into the office, meeting with congregants, or seeing friends or family at the end of the day. I’ve also been practicing praying after meetings—offering that interaction to the Lord, and asking him to use both my strengths and weaknesses for his glory.
3. Check your feed.
An aging Cherokee once told his grandson, “You have two wolves fighting inside you—one good and one evil.” His grandson’s eyes widened. “Which one will win?” The chief paused, then said, “Whichever one you feed.”
It’s easy to see this concept at work in sins like bitterness, envy, and lust. The more you feed those wolves, the more they’ll grow. This is true of fear of man as well.
I feed fear of man every time I check my hair in the mirror, monitor my likes on social media, rerecord voice memos to sound smarter, obsessively replay conversations in my mind, compare my life with others’, fantasize about greatness, exaggerate my successes, or downplay my failures.
Jesus taught that our actions are overflows of what we’ve stored up in our hearts (Luke 6:45). If we constantly fill (or feed) ourselves with the fear of man, why would we expect anything other than a fear of man to spill out of us?
Whatever we feed will grow; whatever we starve will die. If we want to experience freedom in the big moments, we must be intentional to starve man-fearing in the smaller moments throughout the day.
4. Remember who you are (and whose you are).
My friend Jorge told me he says “I love you” to his 3-year-old daughter, Aria, as often as he can. He said,
At school, she’ll be tempted to think her identity is “not as smart as her” or “not as funny as him.” On social media, she’ll be tempted to think her identity is “not as pretty as her” or “not as popular as him.” My job as her father is to remind her who she really is: loved, prized, valuable, beautiful.
In her father’s presence, Aria is reminded of her true identity and worth.
The same is true for every child of God. Our ultimate security must come from what our Father says about us, not from what others say about us (or even what we say about ourselves). Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.”
Our ultimate security must come from what our Father says about us, not from what others say.
The next time you’re tempted to compare yourself to others or find your identity in others’ opinions, run straight to your Father. Be honest with him. Ask him to free you from idolizing others and to stabilize you with his love (1 Sam. 30:6; Ps. 94:18).
Friend, you are fully known and fully loved by your Father (John 16:27). He doesn’t love the Instagram version of you, the interview version of you, or the person you think you need to become to be loved. He loves the real you. And because his love is unchanging, so is your worth. Rest today in this eternal security.
